Love was just the beginning.

Forget the images you’ve learned to attach
To words like cock and clit,
Chest and breasts.
Break those words open
Like a paramedic cracking ribs
To pump blood through a failing heart.
Push your hands inside.
Get them messy.

Scratch new definitions on the bones.
Get rid of the old words altogether.
Make up new words.
Call it a click or a ditto.
Call it the sound he makes
When you brush your hand against it through his jeans,
When you can hear his heart knocking on the back of his teeth
And every cell in his body is breathing.
Make the arch of her back a language
Name the hollows of each of her vertebrae
When they catch pools of sweat
Like rainwater in a row of paper cups
Align your teeth with this alphabet of her spine
So every word is weighted with the salt of her.

When you peel layers of clothing from his skin
Do not act as though you are changing dressings on a trauma patient
Even though it’s highly likely that you are.
Do not ask if she’s “had the surgery.”
Do not tell him that the needlepoint bruises on his thighs look like they hurt
If you are being offered a body
That has already been laid upon an altar of surgical steel
A sacrifice to whatever gods govern bodies
That come with some assembly required
Whatever you do,
Do not say that the carefully sculpted landscape
Bordered by rocky ridges of scar tissue
Looks almost natural.

If she offers you breastbone
Aching to carve soft fruit from its branches
Though there may be more tissue in the lining of her bra
Than the flesh that rises to meet it
Let her ripen in your hands.
Imagine if she’d lost those swells to cancer,
Diabetes,
A car accident instead of an accident of genetics
Would you think of her as less a woman then?
Then think of her as no less one now.

If he offers you a thumb-sized sprout of muscle
Reaching toward you when you kiss him
Like it wants to go deep enough inside you
To scratch his name on the bottom of your heart
Hold it as if it can-
In your hand, in your mouth
Inside the nest of your pelvic bones.
Though his skin may hardly do more than brush yours,
You will feel him deeper than you think.

Realize that bodies are only a fraction of who we are
They’re just oddly-shaped vessels for hearts
And honestly, they can barely contain us
We strain at their seams with every breath we take
We are all pulse and sweat,
Tissue and nerve ending
We are programmed to grope and fumble until we get it right.
Bodies have been learning each other forever.
It’s what bodies do.
They are grab bags of parts
And half the fun is figuring out
All the different ways we can fit them together;
All the different uses for hipbones and hands,
Tongues and teeth;
All the ways to car-crash our bodies beautiful.
But we could never forget how to use our hearts
Even if we tried.
That’s the important part.
Don’t worry about the bodies.
They’ve got this.

One of my best friends found this and sent it to me. Amazing.

Ok guys… I know that I’ve dropped off the face of the planet in the past couple months, but my computer completely died on me and the only access I had was at the University. I’ve also been working on my honors thesis, which took a huge chunk out of my tumblr time even if I had possession of a working computer. So, I’m back now and rearin’ to go. Let me know what you guys have been up to, and send me some pictures. I’m gonna post some of Cam and I from graduation and whatnot. I hope everyone is doing well and I look forward to hearing from y’all! :)

hey my names alex. i am an ftm and i live in toledo. just wondering if you guys go to any support groups and if you could give me any info on them. i know its hard to find trans people in toledo so im reaching out to someone who understands. if you could contact me with any information that would be awesome. 

Hey Alex! We don’t currently go to any of the support groups that Toledo offers, although we have been thinking about going to the TransOhio Toledo chapter this summer since we will have more time to do so. This is their website with all the information http://www.transohio.org/wordpress/?page_id=880. They meet every third Sunday of the month.

Cam and I have really just been hanging out with another FtM and his gf that we met at the beginning of the semester, and the four of us were thinking about starting our own group, just for FtMs or MtFs to get to know each other and offer each other advice and whatnot. So I’ll keep you updated on that. If you have any other questions let me know. I have a paper that has a whole list of groups on it that I’ll try to find today, and I can get back to you with those, but I’m so sorry it took me so long. I’m back in the tumblr sphere now though. Best Wishes!

-Vanessa

Yesterday my friend from class (the ftm one that I talked about a few entries ago) went to the bathroom at the University Library, and a guy assaulted him while asking him if he was a “tranny” or a “faggot”. He’s ok, and we went last night to report it to the campus police, but I am still stunned. People are so ignorant and hateful…..ugh I don’t even know what to say.

Hey there, Thanks for posting the story about me and lauren. I realized I didn’t leave a link to myself in there. So:

chasitystar.tumblr.com

Hey there.

OK, let me first say i am INCREDIBLY new to this.

My name’s Chasity and I am engaged to an amazing person named Lauren. We live in Kansas City Missouri. Lauren and I have been together for about 3 years. Through out our relationship things have come up about testosterone and such and I had always been very against it. Every Time the subject was brought up we would fight, cry, and yell yet nothing would ever be solved. Lauren would leave the fight feeling worse about herself, and I would leave the fight feeling unsure of our relationship’s future. Well, recently (about 2-3 months ago) we had the same talk/fight and went on about our lives. The next day I was at work and it hit me, like a bag of bricks, right in the chest. I love Lauren, as a person, as my partner, as whatever she wants to be. This realization left me more confused than EVER!

Through all the conversations we have had about this she has always said one thing over and over and over, “I don’t want to be a man, but I don’t want to be a woman either” and I have never understood. I still don’t really. I don’t really know how to express the things that “turned me off” about the subject and her, or what I was worried about without being a selfish asshole. Like, I am not against testosterone, transitioning, or anything of the sort… IN ANY WAY. It was just never something I expected to be a part of my life. Every time it was brought up I would always ask the same questions.

What will I call you?

What if your body changes and I am no longer physically attracted to you?

What if I still love you emotionally but have no desire to be in a physical relationship?

What will our kids call you?

How will we explain it to our families, friends, or anyone?

even worse I asked,

What does this make me?

I was so concerned about how this affected me that I couldn’t see how my insecurities about the subject were affecting her. I was concerned about everything I had done to make myself a strong, independent, gay woman. I was concerned about everything I had gone through as a gay woman, everything I had stood up for and had to prove. I was worried she was taking that away from me. I was being an awful partner. She was miserable. I was making it worse. I was being selfish, insecure, and ignorant more than anything. So here I am, still very unsure of the whole situation, but trying to change that.

I am working on getting over my insecurities, concerns, and selfishness. She is headed in the direction she needs to make herself happy. She has been seeing a therapist for the last two months, and finally got the approval for T. She has an appointment with the endo on the first of February.

Yesterday I realized how much I had grown and moved forward about the subject. I was talking with a friend at work about wanting kids and being unsure if I was physically able to have kids, and as usual her response was “if you cannot have children, will Lauren?” It’s the same question everyone asks. Usually I just say no and leave it at that. Yesterday, for the first time, I said “No, I mean it’s not something she is willing to go through” and my friend looked puzzled, so I followed with “Actually, let me explain. She is at the doctor right now, as we speak. She is meeting with a therapist to get the approval to go and see an endo and get on testosterone. She isn’t happy with herself, she doesn’t exactly want to become a man, she just wants to be less of a woman. She is trying to find a happy medium between the two that allows her to feel more like herself and comfortable in her own skin. So no, she would not be able to have a child for us if I cannot, so we would adopt.”

THAT WAS A HUGE STEP FOR ME!

Then me, Lauren, and my friend went to lunch and talked about it as a group.

Anyway, I am SO SORRY for rambling on. This is my story, my introduction of myself… and the light into our lives as a couple.

I love Lauren, no matter who she wants to be… and that is something I know will never change.

I’m literally so excited! I met a transman in one of my classes (which is a HUGE deal in Toledo, Ohio), and he lives with his girlfriend, and they want to go on a double date with Cameron and I. 

I’m just so elated that I’ve found someone that I can talk to about all the stuff ahead of Cameron and I (mostly Cameron obviously). But it will be so nice to hear it from someone who has already been there.

This guy has only been on T since September, and he’s in the process of raising money for top surgery so they’re only a bit further in the process than Cam is, but I think this will be a really good opportunity for Cam to get to talk to someone that he can completely relate to.

Sorry bout the randomness but I’m just super excited. :)

pflagmom:

I just started a Tumblr called the Trans*ition Fund Collective. It’s made to highlight the projects of trans* individuals fundraising for their transition while sharing some awesome trans*-friendly products and resources. Submissions are always welcome! Please reblog and spread the word?

Cam and I last night at Bretz Bar in Toledo

New Years Eve 2012 :)